[I can’t think of anything more trite to write about than the beginning of a new year, but I’m going to do it anyway]
I think we’ve all heard the phrase, ‘new year, new you’, one too many times and undoubtedly have set new year resolutions that have fallen flat a few measly weeks later, which only makes us feel guilty about not accomplishing what we had set out to do. I don’t believe that goal setting and healthy changes in lifestyle should wait for a new year to roll around, but I agree that it seems like a good time to implement new habits.
Personally, I’m excited for the new year, the last few years have been some of the most painful and disappointing that I have ever experienced, and I’m glad to put 2013 behind me. I have high hopes that 2014 will be a better year for me. My list of goals for 2014 is pretty short, basically the only item on my list is to get well, and I know that it will take all of my energy and a lot of effort and perseverance to get there. I’m hoping that all of the improvements that I haven’t seen in the past two years will start to happen in 2014, and most of all, I want to be well enough to visit my boyfriend in a city that is forever near and dear to me, NYC.
I frequently have dreams that I have finally become well enough to visit the city, and in these dreams I usually wander through busy streets delighting in the fact that I am walking without pain and reminiscing about all of my favorite spots and good times had. In one of my dreams I dreamt that I had been out with friends and was hailing a cab to go home when I suddenly realized that my apartment was being occupied by someone else, and I didn’t have anywhere to sleep. I believe in the power of a good dream, and this one happened to be dead on because, to me, Lyme feels like an unwanted houseguest (or in my case subletter). It’s stolen my apartment and I can’t get any rest until I’ve kicked it out. In 2014 I hope to get my apartment back.
I don’t know why I haven’t seen dramatic healing yet, despite all of my efforts to try and figure it out. What I do know is that God is true to His Word and that He is waiting to answer prayers and to bless us, so long as these answered prayers and blessings are in line with His will for us. God’s word says that, ‘you have not because you ask not’, which basically means that we need to dream BIG and stand confident that God will deliver.
One of my all time favorite quotes is this by C.S. Lewis:
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
These words make me question what ‘mud pies’ I’ve become satisfied with, and most of all it makes me wonder how much I believe that quick and complete healing will happen for me. At times it feels that I’ve been sick for such a long time that it’s tough to imagine being well, I’ve been playing with mud pies for so long that I can barely recall how sand between my toes and waves splashing onto my face feels. Every morning I wake up and subconsciously scan my body for symptoms- how sore am I today, am I nauseous, is the headache gone, did I overdo it yesterday, did I get enough sleep? I can hardly remember what it’s like to wake up refreshed, without pain, and with a day of wonderfully unknown possibilities ahead of me. Have I forgotten what it’s like to truly live a beautiful, healthy life in which my hopes and dreams are unfettered by my body’s limitations? Sometimes I think I have, in reality I’m just trying to survive.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there have been times in the quiet of the night or in the loneliness of my illness that I have felt like I might be sick forever. Usually it’s the times when my pain is immense and fatigue overwhelms every fiber of my being that I begin to feel stuck, frustrated, and sad or angry. I’m blessed to have people in my life who uplift and encourage me during these low points, they help me to cope and tell me that everything will be okay, and I am truly beyond thankful for them.
However, in 2014, I want to have fewer moments of doubt, fewer emotional breakdowns when things don’t go my way, and a mental fortitude that allows me to press on with a new degree of determination and joy that I have yet to experience. In 2014, I want to believe God more than I ever have before, I’m going to have courage enough to ask for and have wholehearted faith that I’ll receive full healing, and soon. This year is about getting rid of that little sliver of doubt that hangs around and pesters me when I’m at my lowest points. It’s about newness, restoration, and peace, and I’m excited to see just how it will all happen. Until then, I’ll be here, standing and believing.
Here is to 2014- May we all have insurmountable hope, mad dreams, and happy endings.